So, it's been 11 months since I've updated this, and what an 11 months it has been. I'm no longer working, even though I technically still have a job (one I doubt that I'll ever have the opportunity to go back to). What happened? Well, what I was originally told was a back strain ended up being a ruptured disc. That ruptured disc has literally been my version of hell on Earth this year. I have spent NUMEROUS days in physical therapy, taken I don't know how many different medications, had 2 epidural steroid injections (these are awful! I'd never recommend them to anyone), and I had back surgery on June 1st. Well, surgery was a waste. My back is only worse, and I now have 3 ruptured discs and degenerative spine disease, and my sciatic nerve is pinched because of this. Basically, I'm in constant pain in my back and now down both my legs, into my toes (it was originally only in my right leg, but now it's in both (lucky, lucky me!)). I don't sleep well. I have to shift my position every few minutes when I'm sitting, laying down...basically doing anything, and driving for more than a few minutes at a time causes MAJOR pain. Because of this, I can't work. I spent 4 LONG years at Berea College to now just sit at home and do nothing that I worked my butt off for. Yes, this makes me sad...very sad actually. Where does this leave me? I really don't know...and that scares the hell out of me. Everyone who knows me, knows that I like to be in control of things. With this injury, I'm not in control of anything, or at least that is the way it feels.
So, what have I been doing the rest of the year, between my MANY doctors visits, that is: Well I've been watching my nieces and nephews grow like crazy. I swear they grow taller and smarter by the second. I love them very much, and I would do anything for them. What else have I been doing? Reading and watching a lot of TV. There isn't much else that I'm allowed to do right now. Yes, I am going a little (or a lot) crazy because of this. Lately, I've been dreaming of a job where I just travel the globe. I really don't care what that job would entail, as long as it got me away from my house and FAR, FAR away from my doctors and needles!
Since I don't know what my future holds, the only thing I can do is pray for something better. I may not go to church regularly, but I do believe in God and His love. Through Him all things are possible. I've been through enough in my life to realize this. And, no matter what faith/religion you believe in, I read a book that I think everyone should read. Even though the book was about someone else's journey, it really helped me: Eat, Pray, Love. It is a slow/hard read, but well worth it.
Now, I'm waiting for the next chapter in my life to begin. I'm not sure what that chapter holds, but I hope/pray that it is something far better than what I'm going through now. I just wanted to update all of you, since it has been so long since I've felt like writing. I'm hoping to update this blog more often now, but, like in life, I make no promises.
So, I leave all of you with this: Don't give up. There is nothing in life too big for you to overcome, even if it feels like a lost cause right now. And, in the words of Garth Brooks, "Some of life's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers".
I hope everyone is having a great holiday season thus far.
With all my love,
~Hope~
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Friday, January 1, 2010
It's 2010!
Well, all, it is officially a new year! Can you believe it? I, for one, am SOOOOOO glad that 2009 is over. Seems like so much happened in the past decade. Let's review some of the things that happened in my life from 1999 to 2009 (I know that's 11 years and not 10, but I feel as though 1999 is relevant in my life and fits with this timeline)...
1. My nieces Stephanie (born to Gayle and Vince) and Breanna (born to Arlene and Adam) were born in 1999, within a month of each other. What a time for my family. They were my dad's first grandchildren, and the only ones that he lived to see.
2. 2000...Y2K...Ring a bell for anyone? Well, we survived it...
3. 2001 was a tough year for me (and the world). February 8, my father lost his battle with cancer. I don't think I can put into words the pain I still feel from losing him. He left a hole in many of my family members' hearts. September 11 (known as 9/11) holds deep pain for many of us. I will never forget where I was or what I was doing when I heard about the first plane hitting the twin towers. I watched the day unfold on my TV in horror. Almost 3,000 people lost their lives that day, due to such an awful act of hate. Although it's been almost 9 years, the affects of that day will remain with us forever.
4. 2002...What a year that was! In the spring, I moved from my step mother's house, in with my sister, Gayle and her husband, Vince. They took in a heart broken and angry 15 year old. I don't think I can ever repay all they have done for me. That spring, I also took my first drink of alcohol. What a stupid mistake that was! I think most of my nights at that time consisted of drinking...I am not proud of my actions, but I did learn from them. I realized early on that I drank to forget about losing my parents at such a young age. At one point, I believe I thought I could drink away all of the bad things I had experienced in my past. I was young, I didn't realize that my past was there to teach me to move on and become a better, stronger person in the process. I survived those times, and although I do still battle with the sadness and feeling of lose that comes with my battered past, I know I am a strong person today because of it...In the fall of that year, I made the decision to switch schools. I went from a K-12 grade school that had less than 40 people in it, to a 9-12 grade school that had over 400 people in it. What a change that was! I wouldn't trade the experience for anything though! I met some great people, and I was better prepared for my future because of the MANY more opportunities that the bigger school offered...The best thing that happened that year, My nephew Blake (born to Gayle and Vince) was born the week before Christmas.
5. I don't really remember the details of 2003. But, my family went through a lot that year as well. My nephew, Jacob was born (to Arlene and Adam). His hip became dislocated during birth, and he had to wear braces for a while. That same year, my aunt Haley went through many things, from surgery and strokes, to losing her legs to diabetes. Although she became completely dependent on other people, she was a fighter! I spent many of my nights, weekends, and my summer helping care for her at different hospitals throughout Tennessee. Although it was a very stressful time for me, I wouldn't change that precious time I had with her for anything in this world. That November we found out that Blake has type 1 diabetes, better known as Juvenile Diabetes. His pancreas doesn't produce any of the insulin he needs for his body...It was heart breaking watching him get his blood sugar tested for the first time, and then being given a shot of insulin. The fear in his eyes and his screaming will forever be etched in my brain.
6. 2004...wow, what a year! Blake was the youngest child at the time to be put on an insulin pump. I learned how evil carbohydrates are (ask any diabetic about counting carbs...it's not fun!) I graduated high school that May and started at Berea College that fall. My first semester at college was challenging...Not because of the work, but because of the people. I met people that I am still friends with, and I met people that I'd rather forget than have to spend another minute in their presence.
7. 2005...Well, I survived my first year of college, and came home for the summer (my only summer spent at home). My cousin's daughter, Riley, was born June 18th...my birthday! A lot of 2005 is a blur...Either nothing memorable happened that year, or I chose to block it...Not sure which one is the truth ;)
8. 2006: I spent that summer working as an intern at a homeless shelter in Richmond, VA. I grew up a lot that summer, and I took away with me a lot of valuable knowledge for my future. My niece, Mary Grace (born to Gayle and Vince) was born that September. I don't think my family was ready for a world wind like Mary Grace. I believe she has a lot of my dad's spirit in her. She has all of my family wrapped around those tiny fingers of hers!
9. 2007...At the beginning of that year, I moved in with Bryan and Regan. Bryan needed a nanny for Regan because he works 48+ hour shifts. Bryan became a good friend of mine, and I would do anything to help keep Regan safe. They will forever be family to me. That fall, I started my Senior year at Berea!
10. 2008: My sister Jessica, had her first child, Jeremy on February 8th, the 7 year anniversary of dad's death. Jeremy's birth brought some closure for me. I realized that, that day doesn't have to be a day of mourning and sadness for me. Although I'm not the most religious person, I believe God sent Jeremy to us that day to help us heal our pain. I also became closer to Jessica at that time. We've always had a strained relationship, but I learned that loving someone, whether it's a family member, friend, or significant other, doesn't have to be a struggle. Love those around you, no matter what. Love can heal things MUCH quicker than anger ever will...On May 10th, Haley passed away. We spent that week prior to her death at the hospital watching her slip away from us. One night my aunt Pearl and I spent watching Haley, waiting for that last breathe, telling stories about Haley. We laughed a while, then cried a while. It was one of the hardest things I ever had to go through. Even though I know Haley is in a much better place, and that she is no longer in pain, losing her still hurts like crazy. Haley was a mother figure to me and all of my siblings. She helped raise us, and taught us many of the values and morals that we hold dear to us. Haley will always be in our hearts, encouraging us to do our best...Two weeks after Haley died, I graduated from Berea. Although, it was a great day, it was still bittersweet because we didn't have Haley there to celebrate with us...I spent that summer working as a preschool teacher, and that August, I started working as a case manager for the Department of Children's Services in TN.
11. 2009...Work has been challenging for me. I think my main challenge with what I do is that the job is not what I expected it to be. My grandfather died in March. He was my mother's father. I believe I saw him maybe 4 times since I was 10. I don't know my mother's family that well, because after she died (when I was 2), my brothers and sisters and I were only around my father's family. I don't blame anyone for that void...it is what it is. I'm hoping to one day change that. I'd like to know mother's family...Spring and summer came and went too quickly. My nieces and nephews have grown like crazy! I believe with each passing day they become smarter than me! Jessica had her second child just a little over a week ago, on December 23rd. Her name is Haley, after our aunt. She is a gorgeous child! I think Aunt Haley would be very proud of her! Baby Haley may be young, but I can tell she has some of Haley's fighting spirit in her, and to me, that is a blessing!
*Throughout all of these years, my family and I have lost many more people than those that are mentioned here. I've lost friends to accidents and suicides, and with each death comes a hurt that I cannot explain. To all of you out there who has ever lost anyone in their lives, let us live life to the fullest for the ones who are no longer with us. Lets remember them and honor them in every way we can.
_________________________________________________________________________________
This brings me to today. I'm sitting at Gayle's house, because it hurts too much to drive right now, so I can't drive home. I believe my back and leg is worse today, and I can barely walk because of the pain. As I sit here in pain, I keep thinking about the last decade or so of my life, and I realize that through all the pain, heart break, lose, and changes, one thing has remained the same...The love that my family has for me and for one another. We may have our days when we can't stand each other, but we are always there for each other when needed, and we welcome each others friends and significant others into our homes without hesitation and with open arms. I believe the love in our family is unique, and I believe that we will always have our good and bad days, but at the end of those days, we'll still have each other to lean on, no matter what.
So, I end this blog with this advice to all of you: When you love someone, love with all of your heart and don't hold back. Tell those around you just how much they mean to you today. We don't know what tomorrow holds, or if there will even be a tomorrow. Carpe Diem; seize the day, live for today.
With all my love,
Hope Renae
1. My nieces Stephanie (born to Gayle and Vince) and Breanna (born to Arlene and Adam) were born in 1999, within a month of each other. What a time for my family. They were my dad's first grandchildren, and the only ones that he lived to see.
2. 2000...Y2K...Ring a bell for anyone? Well, we survived it...
3. 2001 was a tough year for me (and the world). February 8, my father lost his battle with cancer. I don't think I can put into words the pain I still feel from losing him. He left a hole in many of my family members' hearts. September 11 (known as 9/11) holds deep pain for many of us. I will never forget where I was or what I was doing when I heard about the first plane hitting the twin towers. I watched the day unfold on my TV in horror. Almost 3,000 people lost their lives that day, due to such an awful act of hate. Although it's been almost 9 years, the affects of that day will remain with us forever.
4. 2002...What a year that was! In the spring, I moved from my step mother's house, in with my sister, Gayle and her husband, Vince. They took in a heart broken and angry 15 year old. I don't think I can ever repay all they have done for me. That spring, I also took my first drink of alcohol. What a stupid mistake that was! I think most of my nights at that time consisted of drinking...I am not proud of my actions, but I did learn from them. I realized early on that I drank to forget about losing my parents at such a young age. At one point, I believe I thought I could drink away all of the bad things I had experienced in my past. I was young, I didn't realize that my past was there to teach me to move on and become a better, stronger person in the process. I survived those times, and although I do still battle with the sadness and feeling of lose that comes with my battered past, I know I am a strong person today because of it...In the fall of that year, I made the decision to switch schools. I went from a K-12 grade school that had less than 40 people in it, to a 9-12 grade school that had over 400 people in it. What a change that was! I wouldn't trade the experience for anything though! I met some great people, and I was better prepared for my future because of the MANY more opportunities that the bigger school offered...The best thing that happened that year, My nephew Blake (born to Gayle and Vince) was born the week before Christmas.
5. I don't really remember the details of 2003. But, my family went through a lot that year as well. My nephew, Jacob was born (to Arlene and Adam). His hip became dislocated during birth, and he had to wear braces for a while. That same year, my aunt Haley went through many things, from surgery and strokes, to losing her legs to diabetes. Although she became completely dependent on other people, she was a fighter! I spent many of my nights, weekends, and my summer helping care for her at different hospitals throughout Tennessee. Although it was a very stressful time for me, I wouldn't change that precious time I had with her for anything in this world. That November we found out that Blake has type 1 diabetes, better known as Juvenile Diabetes. His pancreas doesn't produce any of the insulin he needs for his body...It was heart breaking watching him get his blood sugar tested for the first time, and then being given a shot of insulin. The fear in his eyes and his screaming will forever be etched in my brain.
6. 2004...wow, what a year! Blake was the youngest child at the time to be put on an insulin pump. I learned how evil carbohydrates are (ask any diabetic about counting carbs...it's not fun!) I graduated high school that May and started at Berea College that fall. My first semester at college was challenging...Not because of the work, but because of the people. I met people that I am still friends with, and I met people that I'd rather forget than have to spend another minute in their presence.
7. 2005...Well, I survived my first year of college, and came home for the summer (my only summer spent at home). My cousin's daughter, Riley, was born June 18th...my birthday! A lot of 2005 is a blur...Either nothing memorable happened that year, or I chose to block it...Not sure which one is the truth ;)
8. 2006: I spent that summer working as an intern at a homeless shelter in Richmond, VA. I grew up a lot that summer, and I took away with me a lot of valuable knowledge for my future. My niece, Mary Grace (born to Gayle and Vince) was born that September. I don't think my family was ready for a world wind like Mary Grace. I believe she has a lot of my dad's spirit in her. She has all of my family wrapped around those tiny fingers of hers!
9. 2007...At the beginning of that year, I moved in with Bryan and Regan. Bryan needed a nanny for Regan because he works 48+ hour shifts. Bryan became a good friend of mine, and I would do anything to help keep Regan safe. They will forever be family to me. That fall, I started my Senior year at Berea!
10. 2008: My sister Jessica, had her first child, Jeremy on February 8th, the 7 year anniversary of dad's death. Jeremy's birth brought some closure for me. I realized that, that day doesn't have to be a day of mourning and sadness for me. Although I'm not the most religious person, I believe God sent Jeremy to us that day to help us heal our pain. I also became closer to Jessica at that time. We've always had a strained relationship, but I learned that loving someone, whether it's a family member, friend, or significant other, doesn't have to be a struggle. Love those around you, no matter what. Love can heal things MUCH quicker than anger ever will...On May 10th, Haley passed away. We spent that week prior to her death at the hospital watching her slip away from us. One night my aunt Pearl and I spent watching Haley, waiting for that last breathe, telling stories about Haley. We laughed a while, then cried a while. It was one of the hardest things I ever had to go through. Even though I know Haley is in a much better place, and that she is no longer in pain, losing her still hurts like crazy. Haley was a mother figure to me and all of my siblings. She helped raise us, and taught us many of the values and morals that we hold dear to us. Haley will always be in our hearts, encouraging us to do our best...Two weeks after Haley died, I graduated from Berea. Although, it was a great day, it was still bittersweet because we didn't have Haley there to celebrate with us...I spent that summer working as a preschool teacher, and that August, I started working as a case manager for the Department of Children's Services in TN.
11. 2009...Work has been challenging for me. I think my main challenge with what I do is that the job is not what I expected it to be. My grandfather died in March. He was my mother's father. I believe I saw him maybe 4 times since I was 10. I don't know my mother's family that well, because after she died (when I was 2), my brothers and sisters and I were only around my father's family. I don't blame anyone for that void...it is what it is. I'm hoping to one day change that. I'd like to know mother's family...Spring and summer came and went too quickly. My nieces and nephews have grown like crazy! I believe with each passing day they become smarter than me! Jessica had her second child just a little over a week ago, on December 23rd. Her name is Haley, after our aunt. She is a gorgeous child! I think Aunt Haley would be very proud of her! Baby Haley may be young, but I can tell she has some of Haley's fighting spirit in her, and to me, that is a blessing!
*Throughout all of these years, my family and I have lost many more people than those that are mentioned here. I've lost friends to accidents and suicides, and with each death comes a hurt that I cannot explain. To all of you out there who has ever lost anyone in their lives, let us live life to the fullest for the ones who are no longer with us. Lets remember them and honor them in every way we can.
_________________________________________________________________________________
This brings me to today. I'm sitting at Gayle's house, because it hurts too much to drive right now, so I can't drive home. I believe my back and leg is worse today, and I can barely walk because of the pain. As I sit here in pain, I keep thinking about the last decade or so of my life, and I realize that through all the pain, heart break, lose, and changes, one thing has remained the same...The love that my family has for me and for one another. We may have our days when we can't stand each other, but we are always there for each other when needed, and we welcome each others friends and significant others into our homes without hesitation and with open arms. I believe the love in our family is unique, and I believe that we will always have our good and bad days, but at the end of those days, we'll still have each other to lean on, no matter what.
So, I end this blog with this advice to all of you: When you love someone, love with all of your heart and don't hold back. Tell those around you just how much they mean to you today. We don't know what tomorrow holds, or if there will even be a tomorrow. Carpe Diem; seize the day, live for today.
With all my love,
Hope Renae
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Really? I mean...REALLY?!???????????!!!!!!!!!????????????!!!!!!!!!
Well, I didn't get to blog last night. I was in too much pain to even sit at my computer. You may ask why I was/am in pain...Well, I somehow strained my back. So, my lower right side of my back and down my right leg is throbbing like crazy!! Today, it started to tingle from the tips of my fingers (on my right hand of course) down to the toes of my right foot. The medicine my doctor gave me yesterday is not helping. I was told that if I don't get better within a week or so, I will probably have to go to physical therapy...AGAIN! I haven't gotten more than 5 minutes of sleep in the last 2 nights, and I'm exhausted, but can't sleep for the pain. So, I can't stand to sit, stand up, lay down...or basically any other movement at the moment...Some way to ring in the new year, huh!!!
So, all of you out there in cyberspace, I will keep this blog very short tonight. For those of you going out, be safe, don't drink and drive. And, I hope all of you have a VERY Happy New Year! May 2010 be the best year ever!
With all my love (and pain today!),
Hope Renae
So, all of you out there in cyberspace, I will keep this blog very short tonight. For those of you going out, be safe, don't drink and drive. And, I hope all of you have a VERY Happy New Year! May 2010 be the best year ever!
With all my love (and pain today!),
Hope Renae
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
So tired...
So, today was...well, it just was!! I think I come home everyday from DCS more tired than I was when I worked as a preschool teacher. At the time, I didn't think there could be a more stressful/tiresome job as having to deal with 13 three year olds everyday by myself...well, I was wrong!!! I want to love my job, or at least like it, but most days I just can't. Don't get me wrong, I love the people that I work closely with everyday...I have some awesome co-workers!...but, the job itself just sucks! But, I'm not going to focus too much on that today...I need a mental break from work!!
Instead, I think I will tell all of you about what happened to me yesterday that I had left out of my blog posting last night. I got bit by a baby mole!! Now, I know you all have to be a mixture of confused as hell and laughing your butts off! I, for one, find it hilarious! See, what happened was this: I pulled into my sister's driveway and proceeded to go up her front porch steps. I noticed that her (inside) cat was outside and was chasing a baby mole. Now, normally, I would just have kept walking inside, but the mole looked pitiful, so I decided to help it. Before you say, awwwww, you're so nice...let me assure you, I'm not. If it had been a mouse or rat, I probably would've put ketchup on it to make it taste better for the cat! I just didn't feel like letting the poor baby mole get killed...it just didn't feel right/humane! So, my 7 year old nephew came outside to help me. He kept the cat off the baby mole while I took the things I was carrying inside. I came back outside to find the mole hiding (shaking!) in some weeds in front of the porch. The cat was still trying to get to it...So, idiot me puts the cat inside and picks up the baby mole!!! Well, it was already scared and then this crazy human picked it up...It just wasn't having it...so, it tried to get out of my grip and I wouldn't let it...So, the poor little guy did the only thing it knew to do...it bit my thumb!! Yes, I threw it down after that...but, this is me, I wasn't done. My nephew helped me get a cup and we cornered the little guy and put him in the cup, and then we found one of the MANY mole holes in my sister's yard and released it into it. Therefore, yes, I did get bit by the little bugger, but we did save it...at least for that day.
In other random thoughts...I've noticed that as I get older, I can't eat the same types of food that I once loved. For instance, Taco Bell (or Taco Hell as my friends and I often call it)...what a guilty pleasure that place USED to be for me. Now, when I eat it, it just makes me ill. Why? I don't know! I'm only 23!!! I'm not supposed to be getting nauseous from this stuff, or having heartburn...or anything!! I'm supposed to eat it, gain the weight from all the calories that crap packs on, and move on with my life! Instead, I've found myself passing by Taco Bell and thinking about the "good ole days"! SERIOUSLY!!!?????!!!!!!! What crap! It just makes me mad!!!
Ok, bloggers...All this talk of Taco Bell has made me hungry...I'm off to figure out what I want for dinner...And, you guessed it, it won't be Taco Hell!
Until tomorrow,
Hope Renae
The Beginning...
So, tonight, I start my new life. One where I don't keep all my thoughts, feelings, frustrations, longings, passions, fears, etc. bottled up until they explode and people think I'm some crazy maniac on crack! Tonight, is the new beginning. One where I'll be able to say any random thing I please and not care what anyone thinks or says about it. And, lets face it...I never really much cared what people thought or said before, but, at least now, they have actually written proof that I called them out for being stupid or lazy, or was mean to them just because I can be. Everyone who knows me, knows that I'm not an angel, nor do I pretend to be, nor would I ever want to be one. I'm just me: A girl from Tennessee who has WAY too many dreams for the future, and who often oversteps her bounds with people. So, to anyone who may stumble upon this blog, sit down, strap in, and hold on for what is sure to be a bumpy 2010. Here, I promise to not hold back, and to say what everyone else is thinking, just too polite to say. Also, I will just post random, meaningless junk here, just because I can. If you don't like it, I really don't care. This blog is for me, not for anyone else out there.
So, to start us off...Randomness of the night: I just now, finally, watched the fall finale of Glee. Now, I know what you all are thinking...You watch that?!....YES!!! Of course, I watch that show! It is absolutely my guilty pleasure!!! Me, being the music fanatic, love the casts amazing abilities! I tip my invisible hat to them! What a talented group of people! To those of you who won't watch the show; give it a shot, you might like it!
Other thoughts of the day: I was at my sister's apartment earlier tonight holding my 5 day old niece, Haley (see image above), and I thought of what a blessing she is to my family. All who know me are probably thinking, "Hope, I know that all children are a blessing, but doesn't your family have a lot of children in it?". Well, yes, we do, but Haley is special. Haley is the namesake of my Aunt Haley who passed away May 10, 2008. My Aunt Haley was a force to be reckoned with! She helped hold my family together after my dad died, and quite frankly, I don't know where I would be if she wasn't there for me. When we lost her, every one of us lost a piece of ourselves. With Baby Haley, we have a renewed since of joy in our lives. Even at 5 days old, I can tell she has Aunt Haley's feisty spirit. I pray that she has Aunt Haley's will to live, and she will be a joy to others, like Aunt Haley was to us.
Well, I would like to post more randomness tonight, but it is almost 2:00 a.m., and I have to be up in less than 4 hours for work. So, even though I don't want to, I must end this and get some much needed sleep. Goodnight all. I hope everyone has sweet dreams and a very random day tomorrow!
With all my love,
Hope Renae
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