It's 2010!

Well, all, it is officially a new year! Can you believe it? I, for one, am SOOOOOO glad that 2009 is over. Seems like so much happened in the past decade. Let's review some of the things that happened in my life from 1999 to 2009 (I know that's 11 years and not 10, but I feel as though 1999 is relevant in my life and fits with this timeline)...

1. My nieces Stephanie (born to Gayle and Vince) and Breanna (born to Arlene and Adam) were born in 1999, within a month of each other. What a time for my family. They were my dad's first grandchildren, and the only ones that he lived to see.

2. 2000...Y2K...Ring a bell for anyone? Well, we survived it...

3. 2001 was a tough year for me (and the world). February 8, my father lost his battle with cancer. I don't think I can put into words the pain I still feel from losing him. He left a hole in many of my family members' hearts. September 11 (known as 9/11) holds deep pain for many of us. I will never forget where I was or what I was doing when I heard about the first plane hitting the twin towers. I watched the day unfold on my TV in horror. Almost 3,000 people lost their lives that day, due to such an awful act of hate. Although it's been almost 9 years, the affects of that day will remain with us forever.

4. 2002...What a year that was! In the spring, I moved from my step mother's house, in with my sister, Gayle and her husband, Vince. They took in a heart broken and angry 15 year old. I don't think I can ever repay all they have done for me. That spring, I also took my first drink of alcohol. What a stupid mistake that was! I think most of my nights at that time consisted of drinking...I am not proud of my actions, but I did learn from them. I realized early on that I drank to forget about losing my parents at such a young age. At one point, I believe I thought I could drink away all of the bad things I had experienced in my past. I was young, I didn't realize that my past was there to teach me to move on and become a better, stronger person in the process. I survived those times, and although I do still battle with the sadness and feeling of lose that comes with my battered past, I know I am a strong person today because of it...In the fall of that year, I made the decision to switch schools. I went from a K-12 grade school that had less than 40 people in it, to a 9-12 grade school that had over 400 people in it. What a change that was! I wouldn't trade the experience for anything though! I met some great people, and I was better prepared for my future because of the MANY more opportunities that the bigger school offered...The best thing that happened that year, My nephew Blake (born to Gayle and Vince) was born the week before Christmas.

5. I don't really remember the details of 2003. But, my family went through a lot that year as well. My nephew, Jacob was born (to Arlene and Adam). His hip became dislocated during birth, and he had to wear braces for a while. That same year, my aunt Haley went through many things, from surgery and strokes, to losing her legs to diabetes. Although she became completely dependent on other people, she was a fighter! I spent many of my nights, weekends, and my summer helping care for her at different hospitals throughout Tennessee. Although it was a very stressful time for me, I wouldn't change that precious time I had with her for anything in this world. That November we found out that Blake has type 1 diabetes, better known as Juvenile Diabetes. His pancreas doesn't produce any of the insulin he needs for his body...It was heart breaking watching him get his blood sugar tested for the first time, and then being given a shot of insulin. The fear in his eyes and his screaming will forever be etched in my brain.

6. 2004...wow, what a year! Blake was the youngest child at the time to be put on an insulin pump. I learned how evil carbohydrates are (ask any diabetic about counting carbs...it's not fun!) I graduated high school that May and started at Berea College that fall. My first semester at college was challenging...Not because of the work, but because of the people. I met people that I am still friends with, and I met people that I'd rather forget than have to spend another minute in their presence.

7. 2005...Well, I survived my first year of college, and came home for the summer (my only summer spent at home). My cousin's daughter, Riley, was born June 18th...my birthday! A lot of 2005 is a blur...Either nothing memorable happened that year, or I chose to block it...Not sure which one is the truth ;)

8. 2006: I spent that summer working as an intern at a homeless shelter in Richmond, VA. I grew up a lot that summer, and I took away with me a lot of valuable knowledge for my future. My niece, Mary Grace (born to Gayle and Vince) was born that September. I don't think my family was ready for a world wind like Mary Grace. I believe she has a lot of my dad's spirit in her. She has all of my family wrapped around those tiny fingers of hers!

9. 2007...At the beginning of that year, I moved in with Bryan and Regan. Bryan needed a nanny for Regan because he works 48+ hour shifts. Bryan became a good friend of mine, and I would do anything to help keep Regan safe. They will forever be family to me. That fall, I started my Senior year at Berea!

10. 2008: My sister Jessica, had her first child, Jeremy on February 8th, the 7 year anniversary of dad's death. Jeremy's birth brought some closure for me. I realized that, that day doesn't have to be a day of mourning and sadness for me. Although I'm not the most religious person, I believe God sent Jeremy to us that day to help us heal our pain. I also became closer to Jessica at that time. We've always had a strained relationship, but I learned that loving someone, whether it's a family member, friend, or significant other, doesn't have to be a struggle. Love those around you, no matter what. Love can heal things MUCH quicker than anger ever will...On May 10th, Haley passed away. We spent that week prior to her death at the hospital watching her slip away from us. One night my aunt Pearl and I spent watching Haley, waiting for that last breathe, telling stories about Haley. We laughed a while, then cried a while. It was one of the hardest things I ever had to go through. Even though I know Haley is in a much better place, and that she is no longer in pain, losing her still hurts like crazy. Haley was a mother figure to me and all of my siblings. She helped raise us, and taught us many of the values and morals that we hold dear to us. Haley will always be in our hearts, encouraging us to do our best...Two weeks after Haley died, I graduated from Berea. Although, it was a great day, it was still bittersweet because we didn't have Haley there to celebrate with us...I spent that summer working as a preschool teacher, and that August, I started working as a case manager for the Department of Children's Services in TN.

11. 2009...Work has been challenging for me. I think my main challenge with what I do is that the job is not what I expected it to be. My grandfather died in March. He was my mother's father. I believe I saw him maybe 4 times since I was 10. I don't know my mother's family that well, because after she died (when I was 2), my brothers and sisters and I were only around my father's family. I don't blame anyone for that void...it is what it is. I'm hoping to one day change that. I'd like to know mother's family...Spring and summer came and went too quickly. My nieces and nephews have grown like crazy! I believe with each passing day they become smarter than me! Jessica had her second child just a little over a week ago, on December 23rd. Her name is Haley, after our aunt. She is a gorgeous child! I think Aunt Haley would be very proud of her! Baby Haley may be young, but I can tell she has some of Haley's fighting spirit in her, and to me, that is a blessing!

*Throughout all of these years, my family and I have lost many more people than those that are mentioned here. I've lost friends to accidents and suicides, and with each death comes a hurt that I cannot explain. To all of you out there who has ever lost anyone in their lives, let us live life to the fullest for the ones who are no longer with us. Lets remember them and honor them in every way we can.
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This brings me to today. I'm sitting at Gayle's house, because it hurts too much to drive right now, so I can't drive home. I believe my back and leg is worse today, and I can barely walk because of the pain. As I sit here in pain, I keep thinking about the last decade or so of my life, and I realize that through all the pain, heart break, lose, and changes, one thing has remained the same...The love that my family has for me and for one another. We may have our days when we can't stand each other, but we are always there for each other when needed, and we welcome each others friends and significant others into our homes without hesitation and with open arms. I believe the love in our family is unique, and I believe that we will always have our good and bad days, but at the end of those days, we'll still have each other to lean on, no matter what.

So, I end this blog with this advice to all of you: When you love someone, love with all of your heart and don't hold back. Tell those around you just how much they mean to you today. We don't know what tomorrow holds, or if there will even be a tomorrow. Carpe Diem; seize the day, live for today.

With all my love,
Hope Renae